Disclaimer: I do not intend to sound like every other Transformers review out there, but I mean, C'MON- it's not like I can do much about it. Shit is what shit is.
So, without further ado; after the disappointment of massive proportions that REVENGE OF THE FALLEN was, did Michael Bay achieve the impossible and actually make a decent Transformers movie this time around?
Short answer: hell no.
What went wrong? Pretty much the same stuff as the other two movies before this one. The story doesn't even try to make any sense, there's way too much focus on the (boring and stupid) human characters than the (boring and bland) robots, and the only reason you might find yourself sitting in a theater to watch this orgy of CGI and 3D is because of the 'cool' trailer that came out not long ago. Plus, all your friends and their grandmas swear that the 3D is the best use of it ever.
Which it is, don't get me wrong. Especially after watching this film in IMAX 3D, it is amazing what Bay did with the technology. The movie looks great, and you can actually (sort of ) tell who is fighting who in any given action sequence. If anything, watching the last 50-40 min. of this film on the IMAX screen is just awe-inspiring, to say the least.
But that doesn't make up for all the dumb stuff that precedes it. From Sam's new girlfriend (seriously? I think it's more possible for Autobots to actually land on our planet than have that happen in real life) and his obnoxious parents to new characters, which seem like refugees from some (really bad) screwball comedy; you just can't help but with that the Decepticons do manage to gain control of the world and enslave this cast of assholes who aren't likeable in the least. Oh, but speaking of Decepticons- their plans of world dominance, or reconstruction, or whatever the hell their plans are (cause they seem to change according to what day of the week it is) do not have any real progress to them. They teleport to Washington to begin their invasion, only to THEN move to Chicago to blast it to pieces. I mean... couldn't they have just teleported THERE in the first place? Did they want to go in a mini road trip of sorts before their invasion began? I have no clue.
Again, trying to make sense of anything in the movie is just... a waste of time.
I suppose I could go on and on, bitching about it nonstop. Was I let down? I guess not, since the bar was lowered WAY too much this time around- I guess I was actually expecting a worst movie. But isn't that sad? I mean, I was not disappointed on the basis that I thought this would suck EVEN MORE. Sadness, I shed metallic tears for the Autobots.
And that reminds me- how the hell did Optimus Prime go from being
Uncle Exposition to
Gangster #1 in the blink of an eye?! What the hell man!!! All that was missing from that last scene, was Optimus spitting on "someone's" corpse and saying YOU GOT SERVED BITCH!
No, really. I wish I was kidding about that.
Thanks Mr. Bay, I no longer give a crap about Optimus Prime.
I foresee this movie making such a retarded amount of money, that I'm sure the fourth movie in the TRILOGY will be announced in a couple months. Yep, sounds about right- doesn't need to make sense, after all.
So, would I say go watch it?
If you have the money and time to spare, and don't care to throw logic out the window before entering the theater, I suppose it might be worth a look. If nothing, for the 3D, but again- that is the lamest excuse or defense for ANYTHING ever. If this is the future, I pray for a DeLorean to take me back to the age of Silent Cinema.
